Personals

Betwixt

SINNED – a pure reversed symmetry of my name. Yes, I am a sinner with intents or the other way “squarely” – not “around”. My waning and mellowing life revolves around sins. However, this is not a confession but a mere reflection of who I am, facing the mirrors of reality full of sins and retributions.

DENNIS – a plain word that represents me and has left memories to people I have met in the crossroads. In ethereal manner, I am now holding my pen but not to transform ideas into words of how much I hate myself, others, and the judging world. I am not about to clamor of how life rudely makes my days complicated. Simply taken, I won’t cry out and scribble down hating words.

Eventually among all torments, I am not in the situation to be emotional, but I will only stay grounded laughing as to how series of events in my life turned out upside down. Well, here are my lamentations:

Flashback. How I wished to go back to the days when laughter was pure and real, when someone would not complain about your stinky smell after playing in the park and when having no care wasn’t called careless. Those were the days when happiness and innocence are as natural as raindrops falling from the burdened skies. I missed being a child – that young, little creature bestowed with innocence to simply smile when happy and cry when hurt for simple, childish reasons. But everything went black and white.

Remorse. I wonder how people cling to the word “maturity”. Everyone needs to be dressed up; not counting how much money is spent for perfumes since people always complain about anything under the sun that stinks. Laughter and smile have two sides: happiness in pretension and the temporary joy out of materialism. In fact, I learned to smile while in pain. The paradigm shifts as I spend my years from childhood to maturity. I am now being called careless. And as my skin grew more complexed, I have known sin. My innocence swiftly fades as I take risks to do wrong things.

Crossfire. I am in the midst of innocence and adulthood. Brought by confusions, I am terribly in this awful situation of wanting my pure memories as a stinky child whose only work was to play and have fun, and at the same time keeping the race of maturity and rapid changes. I have my betwixt. Maturity introduced me to sin. They are crushing me in between and I need a way out!

Contradiction. I guess what you have read about this article on me saying this would not be emotional negates it. Still, I stood my ground and caught in the middle of flashbacks, remorses, crossfires and contradictions as I have sinned and will sin “no” more.

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